Because the internet wasn’t stupid enough already. Also, paperbacks are harder to mute.

Mostly humans. Some of us use AI as an unreliable intern. We edit the results, add terrible jokes, and take full credit (we need it to feed our low self-esteem).

Only during editing. Once it’s published, we deny everything and “blame Canada” (thanks, South Park).

Not even close. But it’s not illegal-illegal, you know? We hope. Don’t ask again. Please, we beg you.

We tried better. It was called “responsible adulthood.” It lasted three days. This is clearly the superior life choice.

Friendships weren’t made to last forever. If you now have an ex-friend because you bought them one of our books, they didn’t deserve you anyway. Although, if we’re being honest, you probably didn’t deserve them. Who buys these things for a friend?

Also, banks don’t reverse “ruined friendship” losses. We checked. FYI.

We wish you didn’t. But our solicitor insists on a “Contact Us” section. So yes: there is one, it is obvious, and you should be able to find it without a treasure map. If you can’t, maybe Google “optometrists near me” and sort your eyesight out first.

(If you’re still determined: use the contact form. Keep it short. If it’s good, we’ll respond. If it’s boring, we’ll pretend we didn’t see it.)

Short answer: no. 

Longer answer: buying all the books merely funds our continued idiocy. We will celebrate you, then immediately spend the money on another ludicrous title idea. There is no escape.

You can try, but our legal team consists of one dude named Gary who once watched Suits and thought he “got the gist.”

We wish there were. But that would make our accountant cry. Sadly, the only legal way to read one of our gems is to buy a copy. 

If you’re desperate to avoid supporting us financially (a stance we’d admire if we weren’t so cash-dependent), try second-hand copies – though honestly, good luck finding someone who actually bought one; nobody reads anymore, except us. 

If cost is the problem, ask your boss for a pay rise. Or find a job that pays more. We’re cheering for you!

Burning it would feel right, but carbon dioxide is a thing, and Greta Thunberg will come after you. Or worse, the fire brigade will, once your symbolic protest gets out of hand. 

We recommend donation instead. No one’s sending you to prison for distributing unsolicited sarcasm.

Recycling is heroic too. And we’re sure Greta will thank you personally (probably via a disapproving tweet).

Step 1: Apologise dramatically.

Step 2: Buy her flowers and another ‘100 Reasons Why’ book she might actually like. (We doubt it, but points for effort. And we make a profit).

Step 3: Move out until the legal smoke clears. If all else fails – inherit the house, sell it, buy us, and finally release this collective from the eternal nightmare known as 100 Reasons Why. We’ve been held hostage by our own sarcasm for years.

(Disclaimer: results may vary. We are not liable for disinheritance, emotional damage, or any sudden urge to start your own publishing cult.)

Of course he is. Scalabrine’s ring ratio per minute played is basically quantum physics. LeBron needs Space Jam 3 to catch up.

Statistically? No. Spiritually? Also no.

Depends. Ruth never had to deal with Twitter trolls or spin rate analytics. Gardner’s war was with algorithms, not prohibition.

We ran the numbers. The calculator screamed and melted. So technically, yes, if you ignore all context, history, and evidence.

Yes. If you value modern hydration practices and the ability to post-game tweet “tough one” without irony.

More sports, more sarcasm, more topics, more reasons nobody asked for. Possibly scented candles. We’ll see where capitalism takes us (or our AI Overlords) .